Have you ever come across someone who openly behaves in a different way to how they encourage you to behave?
I have past experience in a work environment of someone who quite clearly expressed a desire for us to “do what I say, not what I do!” – ie they ignored their own rules and directives. There was one rule for this individual that suited them, and a different rule for everyone else.
As someone who values both integrity and has a strong sense of justice, this kind of behaviour causes me considerable frustration. I was brought up with a strong sense of
If you say you are going to do something, you do it.”
You do what say you are going to do, and you say what mean.
This is a central foundation to my own value system. You can read more about values and how they shape us here.
A gap like this between words and actions erodes trust and damages credibility.
Now of course I am uncomfortably self-aware enough to realise that in reality I do not always follow through on what I say I am going to do. Nearest-and-Dearest and MB are most likely to attest to this, as they live with me. I can easily get quite narky at these dear folk when they do not follow through on what they say they are going to do, but I get equally narky when they point out that very same behaviour in my own self.
Uncomfortable indeed.
I talk about this a lot with clients, the need to follow through on stated action steps and stick to their own plan. But it is not always easy to take one’s own medicine – more on this later in this series.
Do you do what you say and say what you mean?
This is another character trait of genuine people.
What is at the root here is integrity.
When we explore under the surface of this a bit, we can ask ourselves questions as to WHY we don’t follow through.
Are we exaggerating what we can achieve or promising more than we can deliver because we want to look good or be liked? And then find that we cannot do what we say we are going to do, and let the person or ourselves down?
Maybe we didn’t really want to do what we said we would do in the first place, but said yes anyway.
Perhaps a lack of clarity on what is most important to us and how we therefore use our time – back to values again – causes a misalignment.
There are important underlying principles here.
How well aligned are your values with your external choices and ‘yes’es?
What is your motivation here – am I taking time to pause and consider the ‘why’s of this?
What is the best outcome here – am I able to deliver on what I say I can do?
Who am I becoming in this decision – is this modelling integrity and trust?
We can practice being clear on what we CAN do, and not be afraid to say no. And when required, with kindness, we can be direct and specific about our role and that of the other person, rather than face ambiguity or mismatched expectations.
Perhaps we don’t do what we say we are going to do in terms of our own self care.
How often have you heard yourself talk about doing more exercise, or making healthier food/drink choices only to fall at the first hurdle?
When we do find that there is a gap between what we say and our actions, it is important that we do not descend into negative self talk and beat ourselves up in a destructive way. I was talking about the importance of speaking kindly to ourselves last week, and this includes when we have not shown the integrity with ourselves that we had hoped.
There is no room here for judgement or finger pointing. This is about looking inside our own selves and ensuring that what we say we will do, we have the wherewithall to deliver. This is about trust, integrity, confidence and being genuine.
So this week, notice what you say you are going to do – to yourself included – and choose to do what you say.